I reflect...

I really considered doing a post yesterday in dedication to my mom just to let her, and the world, know how much she means to me.

I didn't.

Because I'm a slacker.

And I didn't think I could be eloquent enough to adequately convey my feelings.

So...I love you Mom and I really look up to you.

Any who...

After deciding I wouldn't be composing an elegant dedicatory post, I turned my thoughts toward my feelings of motherhood. As in me being a mom.

And this is a little hard for me because I don't think I have the feelings of a typical mom. I know I have been blessed with extremely easy and awesome kids.

But...

I often wonder if the moms who put heartfelt confessions of how much they love being a mom are just making it all up.

Whoa!! I know you're shaking your head now thinking how awful it is that I actually just wrote that.

But each time I read one of those blog posts (I just read three different ones), I feel horrible. Why don't I feel like them? Why can't I just LOVE being a mom? It's something I've struggled with for almost 7 years now.

I just feel like it's a really hard job that doesn't seem to be very rewarding. Sure, it's cool to hear them laugh and see them all playing together peacefully. But sometimes it would be really nice to just be alone. And yes, I do get some alone time. But I feel like the few hours a week I do have, are not nearly enough and always leave me craving more. I'd like to clean the house and actually have it stay clean for the rest of the day. I'd like to be able to fix a meal and not hear everyone complain that they don't like what is on their plate. I'd like to do laundry and it not take the entire day.

SELFISH, I know.

It seems I have a hard time focusing on the positives of being a mom. And I do actually realize there are some of those too. Believe it or not, I have actually improved. I feel like I am much less cynical than even last year. I try to count my blessing. I try to have an attitude of gratitude. But there are times I feel sorely under appreciated. I enjoyed Mother's Day, but it left me wishing every day could be Mother's Day in the sense that I felt somewhat appreciated, when I usually don't. I wasn't showered with gifts or even service. But the kids did seem more thankful that I'm here. I realize they don't understand all that I do for them. I know I didn't understand everything my mom had to go through. And maybe later in life they'll reflect on how much I actually worked for them as their mom.

Right now I'm trying to focus on enjoying being home with them. I'm trying to LOVE having them as little people that I get to take care of. I know it's not the easiest or funnest. But I only have a few years with them. I need to cherish this time and relish it.

And I'm trying.

Really.